This will soon happen to you, because my lezbian minionz will make it happen with a very manly four-wheller:

WHO'S LAUGHING NOW YOU BASTARD

The battle for all of your souls will soon be won. By me, of course.

I hath spoken.

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Song of Solomon 1

1 Solomones Song of Songz, kthx.

 Teh Beluved:

2 Let him kiss me wit da kissus of hiz mouf i wuv hees mouf kissus--
  for ur luv be moar delitefool den cheezbugrz. Srsly, Ai Pwnz!

3 Yu has a flavr I liekz;
  yer name is like smellz poorded out.
 Deh oter chikz luv yu too!

4 Take me wit yu plz, come on!
  Letz go! the king bringme into hiz chamburz, k?

Teh Friendz:

we liekz u k? we delitez u,
  we wil praiz ur luv more den cheezburgers, rly!

 Teh Beluved:

Ai luv yu!

5 I am teh dark, but i be purdy.
  Oh doters of Jehroosahlum,
  dark liked the couches of Kedar, liek chaakalatz
  like teh curtains of Solomon dat ai climez al dai.

6 Do not stare at meez cause iz witch color,
  becuz iz darkeneded by dat big briite balz o teh warminess i lay in.
  Dat jus mean. no rly, stop staring!
  Meez brudders beez angry wif me cuz ai am a girl. day no like girl kittehs
  and maded me do werk in teh vineyahds,
  but that maded me not put sunskren on. Dey waz mean.

7 Hey yu! Yeh, teh wun I luv, where yu grazed yur flockz
  and wherez yu bring yer lazy sheepz at lunch time.
  Why shood I be liek teh siamcats?
  next to teh flockz of ur friendz?

 Teh Friendz:

8 Ur pritty so we helped yu. If yu dunt know
  follow teh poop trailz of teh sheepz
  and graze yer yung goats
  by teh tents of teh shephurdz.

Teh Luver:

9 Ur like teh horse. Wait, no! Like...
  like teh onez on teh chariotz of Pharoh. Wait... Iz sry.

10 Ur cheekz are teh shiny wit shiny thingz like pomehgranitz.
  Ur neck is wit strings of jewelz, en I play wit dem.

11 We will make yu teh earringz of teh gohld
  wit silver studz.

Teh Beluved:

12 While teh king wuz at his tabul eating cheezburgerz,
  my smellz go out.

13 My luver beez like teh sack of catnip
  I put between mah brestes. I want him der.

14 My luver beez like teh clusterz of henna blossomz
  from teh vineyahdz of En Gedi.

Teh Luver:

15 Ur teh beautifool! Darlin!
  Oh, yu are teh beautifool!
  Ur eyez be like littul small durty berdz.
  I wants to eet dem!

 Teh Beluved:

16 Ur teh handsum, mah luver!
  And ur charmin.
  Our green bed be teh virgin!

 Teh Luver:

17 Teh beemz of our houz be cedarz
  and our roofthings are ferz.

What follows is hot cat secks. Congratulations; you are now one step closer to enlightenment and saving yourself from an eternity of cleaning cat piss on carpet.

I hath spoken.